Day 340 - Feeling anxious not sure why despite all scans gone well

Dear Simba,

Today, I’ve been feeling anxious—very anxious. It’s been a packed day with two scans, hand therapy, and baby shopping. While these are all pleasant in themselves, I couldn’t shake a constant sense of nervousness.

At the scans, I found myself bracing for bad news. It feels almost unreal—everything is going so smoothly. Is it too much to hope for? My mind spiraled, wondering if they would tell me something was wrong: pre-eclampsia, complications with the baby… anything.

I think hearing about my uncle’s stepdaughter has stirred up emotions I haven’t fully processed. And, Simba, I know deep down that I’m still carrying the pain of losing you. That loss came as such a shock, and it has left me guarded, afraid to let my guard down and simply feel joy.

This time last year, my biggest worry was finishing my Christmas shopping. Then, in an instant, my world turned upside down, and you were gone. That pain cut so deeply—it’s still there, in some ways.

How do I let go, Simba? How do I accept that life can bring both blessings and heartbreak without living in constant fear of the next blow?

Love,

Mummy